Ok, I made a very bad mistake ... I just slept w/ a not-so-pretty girl who loves Nickelback. I am so fucking embarrassed that I am hoping that the next person who kicks me in the junk will cause me an everlasting pain that I will always subconsciously associate w/ butter faces, jeans bursting at the seams and Chad Kroeger's fucking perm.

Elusive

The old iPod is cranking out some Scott Matthews who is Jeff Buckley's vocal stunt-double, the similiarities are uncanny to say the least. It's like they put a slight British lilt to the voice and it's Jeff in the room again ... alright, away w/ other stuff before I say something exceedingly sappy about Jeff ... so, this is going to be short, although not necessarily sweet as I had dinner w/ a girl recently and here the main section of our sterling conversation ...

Me: So, how's work going these days ?
Girl: Great, great - I really like styling hair, it's give me a real outlet for my creativity you know, because I'm really a creative type of person and everything.
Me: Good to hear.
Girl: Hey, maybe I could do something about your hair, it's got all these white hairs coming out, like "boo !!!", like a ghost jumping out of a closet.
Me: My hair is like Halloween ?
Girl: Kinda. Well, not really. Well, it just looks kind of older, not so twenty-ish, you know ?
Me: Kinda - because I'm not twenty-ish ?
Girl: Really ? Are you kidding because it's not funny. Really ? Because I've got a line, like no guys over 30 !! I mean, I don't want an old fart !!
Me: So, you want a fresh fart ? I mean, that I can handle.

As C-Rex would say, that's what you get when you hang out at the schoolyard all day ... the end.

20 Minutes

Ok, I've been told that I tend to work to the speed of the task regardless of the complexity of said task. For example, if 20 minutes were allotted to a specific task (cleaning a mirror, walking the dog, making 5-minute rice) it was said that I would, inevitably, take until the very last second to complete the task. It was also said that I will often have the audacity to negotiate for more time. So, this obviously means that I need to make more realistic time estimates rather than pad to account for interruptions like Jehovah's at the door (in their defence, the Watchtower does have some awesome lessons in god-related activities). With their comment in mind, I have made a conscious decision to complete this entry in 20 minutes.

Today, I've got the "Because Of The Times" disc from Kings of Leon on repeat on the iPod because 4 family members from Tennessee never sounded so good. Killer backstory, too - I mean, who can beat preacher's kids whom eventually succumb to the virtues of rock music once their father leaves the church ? Seriously, Rolling Stone must have had an insta-boner when the A&R rep dropped that nugget of science on them, I mean the shit practically writes itself ...

Speaking of boners, that leads to a brilliant answer to one of the car-in-traffic question games that I love, "Awesome New Band Name". On a whole, the suggestions are often brutal, but there is the beauty - that words which are often nonsensical when alone let alone paired with various adjectives and pronouns, that these words can come to define a musical sense or worst yet, an identity. I mean, Radiohead makes some seriously heady music and if by chance they had selected another name like Ned's Atomic Dustbin (fuckers were so ambitious that they had two bass players), I actually think that something would no longer seem kosher. Not necessarily that the name would force them to change what type of music they made, but their name just wouldn't be appropriate anymore ...

That said, the latest name was "Morning Wood" and there was consensus that it would work best for an all-female punk band. I hear the smattering of clapping hands, but you can save your applause for later, I won't take offence. I'm almost out of time, but don't worry dear, it's the end ...

FYI - typically, indie Britpop never dies, it just spawns imitators, although the aforementioned ambitious fuckers are still around, http://www.myspace.com/nedsatomicdustbin ...

Taste of C-Rex

Ok here is some context about the C-Rex. Cheese, Crocs, Tevas, Bling for Crocs, and Tevas & Socks are a couple of her heros. She like jeans especially when they are cut to that awkward length that is somewhere between capri and appropriate length, but hey, you can really never show enough sock. Oh, and please note, this jeans-rule does not apply to any circa 1994 jean overalls (hooray, the spirit of Arrested Development lives on !!) that might be still be in C-Rex circulation. Donatello is her favourite TMNT and I am pretty sure there is both Lionel Richie and Of Montreal on the iPod. She works hard, but she calls in sick to spend quality time w/ her overly promiscuous cat. Often.

Feel free to discuss. Oh, and to burn your eyes and very soul, check out this new found harshness, http://www2.jibbitz.com/

Who is it ... why it's Chinasauras Rex ...

Ok, evidently I lack the humour required to make people love, love, love me like my good ole mama does so I'm bringing in the Chinasauraus Rex to get this sucker moving like nobody's business ... she rocks and will be making posts to kind of balance out the crap that typically filters out of my head ... but she is a little passive-aggressive, so hide the knives and the aspirin when Chinasaurus Rex is trying to hold it down ... More seriously, I took out this blog name which is one that she had suggested before and was, until recently, unable to convince her to contribute ... welcome Chinasaurus Rex and bring the funny.

IKEA

Before I start, I should say that I love Swedish things ... lingenberries destroy cranberries and Kjell is a definite, no-doubt top-10 name ... unfortunately, despite all that love, I still hate going to IKEA.

I think part of the issue is that it's kid-friendly, which actually sucks because it encourages people to make the trip to IKEA a "family-event". This means toddlers underfoot, random screaming, and greasy handprints all over the model furniture, not exactly a laundry list of the things I forward to in a shopping trip. The other half of the blame is there is TOO much selection at IKEA. There is something available for everything. Everything. And there isn't just 1 thing, there are multiple things so I can't just buy the thing. Like a picture frame - I have to make a bunch of decisions before I can buy the item. Colour. Frame. Clips. Size. Material. Etcetera. I could enter the building on a dead run and would still be stuck there for at least 1/2 hour ... so, the ugly, ugly irony that most of the major furniture purchases are from IKEA is not lost on me.

And the lineups are always a nightmare and never, ever have I seen all the tills operating at the same time - today was no exception. Anyhow, the iPod saved me this time around w/ a little "Sweet Thing" from the Van Man. This is my favourite song when it's raining and I am driving in traffic without an umbrella, don't know why, don't how, but maybe it's not for me to question this time around. Don't worry, it's the end.

Best online antique shop around and while nothing beats on-site fun w/ Mason jars, this is virtual tour craziness, http://www.greenspotantiques.com/greenspot/index.html

Pamplemousse

Seriously, one of the greatest flavours out there is grapefruit. I know, I know, pomegranates is this new kid on the block, but what does it really have going for it once you get past that POM shortform, which I personally dislike because it removes the one cache pomegranate has, the name itself ... I can admit it, POMEGRANATE is a pretty decent name for seeded fruit ... but there are negatives, the red stains, the pithy seeds, the sharp taste, and really, what guy can chug down a POM when all the health stores brag that it helps w/ yeast infections ...

Now, Fresca does have that aspartame aftertaste and an occasional tendency to "taste like can" (although not as much as Brisk as the hit ratio for chance of the drink tasting exactly like can is at least 80%, while Fresca is around 8%), so that means Ting is the #1 grapefruit beverage. Funny thing, I was actually introduced to Ting when I was having carribean food, but I think it goes equally well w/ anything, from crisps to curries. Look at the fact pattern - the stuff tastes awesome, it's about a buck a bottle, and it's cut w/ so much sugar that those sour-puss faces are a thing of past ... seriously, you could try and argue, but you would lose. Badly. To me. Every time. So. Don't. Even. Try.

Ok, ok, at the gym, the iPod shuffle was able to kick out a couple of unplucked gems from the random playlist. We had "Cheated Hearts" from the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs (who kick so much ass that it's physically unreal) early on, "You Know I'm No Good" from Amy Winehouse and Ghostface Killah in the middle, and for something a little left of centre at the end as I smoke a cigarette outside in gym shorts and cold weather, "In Good Time" from Oddway ... hey, Killah - it's the end.

By the way, it's a Jamaican thing, so you wouldn't understand ... www.jamaicadrinks.com/index.html

Busted

Ok, I can't sleep which is unusual because one of my *talents* is the ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. If there was an Olympics related to sleeping, I would be all over it like it was going out of style. So, the iPod has "Summer Son" from Texas pushing through a mini-set of Altec speakers and it rawks just a little bit.

Sometimes things happen and we should 100% share the information in some sort of emergency public forum ... so, my emergency public forum topic is making sure the bathroom is clean ... let me explain

It is vital to clean the bathroom prior to having a girl come over and I don't mean taking the Javex out and bleaching the shit out of the place (although this could score bonus points if she is a germ-a-phobe, but really, you are just increasing expectations which is a bad thing and is a whole other post). What I am talking about is making sure that NOTHING is left out in plain sight ... let me explain further

This girl Alinah has come over to my place, like she has before, and as things are going well, as they have before, she excuses herself to go to the bathroom for what I can only assume is to prepare for whatever happens next. Except that Alinah spends only about 30 seconds in there before I hear the bathroom door open and then an angry shuffling of feet reappear at the entry to the bedroom. And then she starts to accuse me of seeing other women, to which the only reply (and trust me, it's the only reply) is "no, no, no, that is 100% false". Unfortunately, although I thought I had done everything right, evidentally I HAD NOT PLACED EVERYTHING OUT OF PLAIN SIGHT, which turns out to be a CRITICAL error because Alinah pulls a shower cap out from behind her back and says, quite eloquently, "then what the fuck is this ?". It was one of those clear hotel-type shower caps that is almost invisible to 99% of the human population. However, this piece of shit, $0.10 worth of cheap polypropylene gets me 100% busted, which is just simply awesome. I tell you, bottle-blondes get me in more trouble per capita than any other hair type ...

all in all, the end.

Chav Love

First things first - on the old iPod, it's an old Verve song, "This Could Be My Moment", full of scratchy guitars and a whole lot of pompous Ashcroft angst, classic Brit recipe like bubble and squeak.

I've noticed a little trend lately (although I am sure I am behind the curve for this sort of thing) and that's the increase in ghetto Starbucks macchiato drinkers hovering over the barristas ... you know the type, the guy/girl (or "gurl") w/ big oversized sunglasses who only go to Starbucks because of that chav-like want for the cache of paying more for something, even if it's something as benign as coffee. Silly me, I thought that gurls only focused on cornering the market on the ubiquitous Burberry "Nova" patterns (silly me), but it looks like I am wrong again.

Still, I will admit there is definitely a strong correlation between Starbucks and how ghetto your place is.; roughly speaking, if you find that you have to walk more than 3 blocks to find a Starbucks that isn't completely tagged w/ graffiti, you are now officially ghetto (that's right, boiiiiii ... Westside 4 Life). Now, if you are also rocking a headband for no particular reason while decked out in baby blue velour, feel free to add "ghetto fabulous" to your Lavalife profile, you fucking chav ... that's it, the end.

Mecca for chavs - http://www.burberry.com/HomeWorld.aspx

C-mas Visit

Before I start, I should say that I don't mind my parents most of the time ... really, I think we have some common things (like DNA), but it's like they took a couple of strangers, slapped sticky names tags on them, and presto - instant parental units ... not that they don't have an occasional tendency to rock (not to be mixed up w/ "rawk", which is saved for special events), it's just more infrequent these days.

They live in the country and I in the city, so during Christmas holidays my sister (who is also city-based) and I alternate who provides shelter. Said sister was busy w/ work-related things this year and as the single guy, I was the lucky receiptent of 2 not-so-new visitors for the entire holiday season ... this is awesome.

Now, I am 100% not trying to be mean, but my parents could be the cheapest people of the past 8 decades and slowly, especially over a 2-week period, you can almost FEEL it start to overtake you. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's sort of feels like you are catching a cold, but really, you are just getting cheaper (don't worry, it really hard to tell) and actually, the scariest part is thinking the cheapness will become permenant and days from now, you might find yourself giving people Toblerone for birthdays and bringing rose wine to house warming parties. My parents have "low cost" alternatives for almost all modern conveniences and I woke up one morning to find a new substitue for "bag clips" (see photo) as old painter's tape from 1998 is still a fully functional item and apparently, it is also safe for food-related applications ... who says that learning is only for the young ?

Oops, almost forgot about the old iPod - hello, it's Lily Allen w/ "Littlest Things" and how about a fearless prediction ? I am 100% sure that once the album is released in North America, there will be different 8,000 interviews re: Lily and each will use the word "sassy" or call her "The British version of Pink" ... anyhow, the end.

The sweet combo of silly dresses and white sneakers, who knew they matched so well - http://www.lilyallenmusic.com/

Resolute

Ok, here is the start ... it's amazing, your parents visit for way too long over the holidays and you come to realize just how few hobbies (nope, looking at grainy YouTube videos just doesn't really cut it) you have that you actually aren't slightly embarassed to mention in mixed company. So after approximately 8 minutes of heavy, heavy contemplation, I have decided to start a blog and aim to entertain only myself ... however, as always, anyone who stumbles across the various discords are more than welcome to read along ...

Oh, and as I am unapologically lazy I really need to set goals, so here they are:

a) update what's on the iPod
b) use decent (not perfect) grammar
c) empty my head on a semi-regular basis

... anyway, the end.